Thursday, September 3, 2009

18th day...

Hmmm... I miss him... Nobody would tell me what's going on.. Some said that he likes some other girl.. Some also said that that girl is with his friend.. Some even said that he crazily in love with this girl... OMG!!! What the hell is happening? Nobody wants to tell me.. Not even him himself.. I really don't know anymore.. What am suppose to do? So what if i still love him.. He doesn't really seem to care.. He doesn't even care about his damn health for goodness sake... He doesn't even care about himself.. Which hurts me so badly because i just can't bear to see him this way.. It's too early to give up on life right now.. He never shares anything with anyone.. At least tell us n maybe we could help.. 2 heads are much better than one... Hmmm... I really don't know anymore... I have lost all my sense of direction now.. Life has no more meaning but i will still move on... Guys and their ego's... I just really don't get them sometimes...

Sunday, August 23, 2009

7th Day..............

Hmmm... What should i even say?? I really don't know anymore.. Hmmm... I just miss him so much but all i can do right now is to just let go.. It's not fair because he doesn't really feel much for us anymore.. All he's focusing on right now is just on his family and stuff.. Hmmm... I just really miss him and hope that he is already feeling much better because he was sick for the past few days that we didn't meet up before this.. I'm really just worried about him.. I've texted him but he just never replies.. He just never ever replies.. Just reply a msg saying that he is okay and that he is feeling much better is already much more than enough.. But no.. He has to not reply me.. I know that i'm not really his anybody anymore but i do still care about him.. Although i am not important to him anymore but he is still important to me.. Why are all guys just so egoistic?? I'm still human.. If i was your pet and if you wanted to treat me that way than i'm fine woth that but i am human.. So can't i be treated better?? Hmmm... Worried and sad.. I'm really a patient person but in his case.. I will wait.. Wait for him till he is ready for love and then ask him what and who am i to him.. GOSH!!!!!!!!! Love hurts like hell...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

4th Day

I don't know what to do anymore.. My life is now nothing but just a blur.. Nothing makes sense anymore.. Seriously.. Without him, i'm really nothing.. I don't know anything anymore.. I just miss him so much.. Not having him by my side really just feels weird.. I feel like i have a hole in my heart.. Not just one hole but it's a really huge hole.. He was always there for me.. He was and is my everything.. I just feel so weak and useless.. Hmmm... It's like i'll die without a guy in my life.. Which is rather true actually.. I will die if he isn't in life anymore.. It's impossible to find another guy like him.. I do admit that he is kinda too over protective and too over worried about me at times but aren't all guys like that when it comes to caring and protecting their gf? Isn't it? That actually shows that they care and stuff.. I used to complain about it like all the time but now that he's not here... I kinda miss it.. Telling me what i'm not suppose to do because it's inappropriate... I miss all those times that we were together.. Laughing and telling each other about our problems.. Now it's different.. He needs space so i will give him his space.. But i just hope that he wont leave me.. I just really hope..

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

3rd Day

Today is the 3rd day since it all happened.. I really don't know what to do.. I seem so lost right now.. I haven eaten for several days.. Well.. It's not that he knows what's happening to me anyway.. So it's okay because he doesn't really have to care so much about me anymore although i do want him to care about me.. We haven't been contacting each other and i'm already starting to miss him.. I really don't know if we are still together or not.. He says that he needs space and i am giving him the space that he needs but it seems like he's showing interest in some other girl.. I don't know.. Maybe it's just me but i can say that i have never been wrong about these things.. For all my ex's.. I told them the same thing and they are now getting married to that girl that i said they had feelings for.. I'm not saying that i'm GOD but it really did just happen like what i said it would but it never goes right for me.. My every relationship just always goes from bad to worse.. What am i? Just being bad luck in love? Or am i just meant to be all alone for ever and ever?? I've already been through so many ups and downs and i still don't understand men and their ego's.. I just want to be right beside him.. I just want him to know that no matter what happens i'll still be there waiting for him and still loving him.. I just want to go through every thick and thin with him.. Is that so wrong? But NO!!! He had to just push me away.. If he wants to find a better girl than me then just tell me.. Don't have to be so nice to your friends but be so cold towards me.. I saw how he treated me that day at his friends house.. He just totally pushed me away.. I so wanted to hug him and hold him close to me so badly but i was afraid that he would push me away like he always does.. He says that he doesn't want to see me getting hurt but the fact is that i am already being hurt by him... Not that he hit me but i was hurt by his words and actions.. I have never been so broken in my entire life.. I have never felt so sad and alone.. Except for the passing away of my great grandfather.. I'm just done crying.. I want to cry but there just isn't anymore tears anymore.. I may act a little cold towards myself nowadays but friends and family are the only thing that i have right now.. My cousin is my best and closest friend that i have got.. I will only tell her everything.. She knows how i feel because she's actually going through the same thing that i am going through right now.. I really don't know what to do right now.. I really just feel like dying so that i could just stop this suffering but it would be selfish because i'd be leaving him all alone in this cold dark world.. I dreamt that i commited suicide right in front of him.. It happened right in front of my house.. I fell from the 13th floor and he just watched me fall.. He didn't come and stop me from falling.. He was just inches away from me but he just didn't want to save me.. He just let me fall to the ground and die.. It's a really scary dream.. I couldn't sleep after that dream.. It's funny because just a few days before this.. I dreamt that we were getting married.. It was a simple white wedding.. Just us and the wali.. Nobody else.. I know it's crazy to dream about getting married with someone but i'll tell you something.. All these years.. This is the only wedding dream where i can actually see whom am i getting married to.. I'm serious.. No lies.. But i guess that it won't happen seeing what's going on right now.. I'm giving up on life now.. I wish for his happiness with someone that he really loves with all his heart.. I also wish that his problems will be over soon.. I just want to see him happy again.. Nothing else.. That is all that i want.. Him to be happy again..

Monday, August 17, 2009

Is it so WRONG??????

Is it so wrong to love someone? Is it so wrong to not want to let your loved one go? Is it so wrong to not want to see your loved one suffer alone? Is it so wrong to give a helping hand? Is it so wrong to want to be part of something? Is it so wrong?? All i wanted was for us to be happy.. All i wanted was to help him in his problems.. All i wanted was to not see him suffer alone.. All i wanted was to love him more.. All i wanted was to be noticed than to be faded into the background when we're with his friends.. All i wanted was to help.. All i wanted was for him to share.. All i wanted was to care for him.. All i wanted was love.. Is it so wrong to want those things?? I know that i may be selfish at most but i'm just trying my best to change so that he'd love me more.. I know that thus is not a way to love someone but this is the only way that i know how to love.. Loving someone is not my strong point.. It's actually my weak point.. I fall in love easily and i also break down easily.. You can say that i'm a weak person and that i'm a coward but i can tell you that if i love you means that i will love you forever.. I'm not good with goodbyes and breakups.. I fall easily and i find it real hard to pick myself back up again.. I admit that i am really weak but what am i to do when i already find it hard to turn back in time?? I just really need him to be there right beside me.. I know that he has to settle his family problems but don't just push me away to a corner and never talk to me.. I feel like a total stranger.. I feel like an out cast.. Like a real freak that just follows him around whenever we're out.. He says that it isn't my fault but somehow i feel that it is my fault for him acting this way.. He did warn me bout him turning into a monster that he used to be but i can't just leave him when he actually needs me to be there for him the most.. I can't bear to leave him like this.. I just can't..